Another Diagnosis

   This past year, Finnan began a Pre-K program. It was great. He met new people, tried new things, learned new things. In the beginning of the year, his teachers sent home notes about how sweet he was and how eager he was to learn. Those notes turned into "Finnan didn't have such a great day today." and " Has Finnan been sleeping well? He seemed a little off today." I knew he had been acting differently at home. Now it was at school. Finnan's "tantrums" started becoming more frequent. They were also being directed at someone. The only person who wouldn't fuss at him or put him in time out. His younger sister. She put up with a lot from him. I started noticing moments of absence in his eyes. Its literally as if someone flipped a switch. One minute he and his sister would be playing outside chasing one another and chasing dragonflies around the backyard then he would stop dead in his tracks, pause expressionless and the next second he would become violent and aggressive. During these moments of aggression there was no emotion or expression. He didn't seem to understand that crying and screaming meant pain and fear. As these moments became more frequent, I became increasingly worried and suspicious. My husband said it was his age and he must've been provoked. Every time? No. It took a lot for me to tell anyone other than my husband about my suspicions. When I did share, I was told that Finnan needed a good spanking or I needed to take away everything he cared about. I had put him in time out, taken away all of his toys and privileges. None of this worked. He didn't understand consequence. He still doesn't.
  Four weeks after our third child was born there was an incident. I was home alone with the kids and was feeding our newborn in my bedroom. I could see the Finnan and his little sister in the living room. I had put on a movie and let them eat their dinner in the living room. This would allow me to feed the baby without interruption. There was a loud thump followed by a thunderous roar. I put the baby in her bassinet and ran into the living room. There was blood everywhere. My daughter was holding her head saying "I'm leaking!! Mommy, my head is broken! Finnan pushed me!" I took my shirt off and held it against her head. Trying so very hard not to lose it. Everything was in slow motion. I glanced over at Finnan and he was just standing there, expressionless. No emotion. That was it. At that point I didn't care if anyone else saw the things I did. I didn't care who thought I was crazy or who thought he was just a four year old little boy. Later on that evening in the ER, I told my husband that I had made an appointment for Finnan to meet with a Psychologist. I had made it a few weeks earlier and was still trying to decide whether or not I needed to keep it. He didn't say a word when I told him. I think at this point he realized Finnan wasn't just an agitated four year old little boy. Something wasn't right.
  The Psychology Dept. had sent out a packet of forms for us to fill out as well as his teachers. Surprisingly, the answers his teachers had were similar to mine. I wasn't crazy after all! When Finnan went for his appointment the Psychologist said " This shouldn't take very long. We should be finished before lunch." We got there at 8:15 that morning. When 11:30 rolled around,  she walked out and said they were going to break for lunch. I took Finnan downstairs to the cafeteria. We grabbed a quick bite and then went to play on the playground. When we returned, Finnan came out every 30 minutes or so to go to the bathroom. He actually never used the bathroom. He just couldn't sit still for that long. At 4:45 Finnan came out with the Dr. and she said they were finished. She asked me to set up an appointment for two weeks time to receive the feedback. She asked if my husband could be present as well.
  Before our appointment my husband and I had made a decision that we would not medicate Finnan. I felt like everyone was medicating their children for some reason or another and I didn't want to be one of them. Our attitude quickly changed once she began to tell us about Finnan. She started out with the ADHD diagnosis. Really? You don't say! I didn't want that label. Everyone I knew had some sort of Attention Deficit label. But alas, there it was. She then went on to say Finnan was "autistic-like" and "borderline impaired" in his social skills as well as his ability to retain information; specifically his education. She gave us numerous references to support her diagnosis. Everything was a blur and whirling around in my head. All I heard was Autism. She continued speaking , referencing, diagnosing, referencing. Wait, did she just say Asperger's? I swear she said PDD. But did she just say Asperger's? She was telling us the differences between Pervasive Development Disorder and Asperger's. Apparently they can be quite similar and depending on the Dr's school of thought, they are different or can be under the same ASD umbrella. She went on to tell us that there was an Autism Support Group the last Tuesday of every month at the Children's Hospital parenting center,that Finnan needed to begin ABA therapy, that we needed to purchase these DVDs to help him with facial expressions and she was going to send us a list of books to read and to read to him. If you've ever seen the show "Lie to Me", you'll understand the facial expression DVDs. They are from the real Dr. Lightman. His name is Dr. Paul Ekman and he has a series of DVDs and books to train FBI/CIA agents on facial expressions and their meaning. Its fascinating.
I voiced my opinion about using medication by saying "We initially didn't want to medicate, but based on your feedback I think we're open to anything." She told us of our options, to which I replied "I want him to succeed in school, but I don't want to change his personality." She replied with words that were like a knife to my heart- my mommy heart. She said "But you do." I felt like a complete failure as a parent. I guess I did  want to change his personality. There it was! She said what I now understand I couldn't say or even allow myself to think. How could I want to change my child's personality? Why would I? But I did. Ultimately, I did want to. I wanted him to be social and make friends. I didn't want people to be afraid of him. I didn't want him to be left out or made fun of. I've been there. It's not fun being different. Its not until you're older that you understand being different is an advantage. It helps you see things clearly and for what they truly are. But Finnan may never understand or see clearly.
We left that appointment with an appointment to see Finnan's Neurologist to discuss a Pharmacological approach. I did it. I medicated my child. At that point, I would've done anything to help him. I still would do anything to make this part of his journey easier.
  The doctor told us we'd see an immediate response to the medication. We'd start off on a low dose and increase if necessary. The first day on the medicine he seemed OK. I thought perhaps he was tired or not feeling well. It couldn't possibly be the drugs I just put in his system. Day 2, I knew he wasn't tired and was feeling just fine. He was however, a Zombie. He sat on the couch all day. All day. He didn't eat. He didn't really speak, except to ask me to turn on the Wii. We kept him on the medication for 4 days. To this day, I cannot believe I did that to my child. I am not putting down any parent who chooses to medicate their child. Whatever works for your family and your child is what you should do. If its medicine, then go for it. It just didn't give us the results we were looking for.
  I spoke with the Dr. and explained to her what the meds had done to Finnan. She agreed they weren't the right ones and that we needed to try another. She called in the new meds to our Pharmacy, luckily there were issues with the type of medication and Finnan's age. We played phone tag for another 2 weeks and I never picked up the Rx. You're probably wondering why I said "luckily and fortunately"... when you read my next post you'll understand.